We Rise

In my dream I am climbing a spiral staircase along with scores of other people. We are all rising. As we loop around the staircase we face each other briefly. Sometimes we smile and nod. I recognize a face. When I wake up I can’t remember the identity of the person I faced so briefly – just the sense of loss. The person had died. I don’t know how I knew that. In my dream I regret I had not known him better. We all continue to climb. I feel a kinship with the others on the stairway. I am struck that we are all climbing up – all rising. No one is descending. When I wake up the dream stays with me. I remember the sense of loss and an intention to not lose anyone else. Not to let anyone go ignored. I live in a big city. I pass hundreds of faces every day. On the street, in the Metro, on elevators. All of us anonymous. All of us kin. The tragedy at Virginia Tech hasn’t been far from my thoughts for the past few days. I feel a kinship with the victims and the shooter. I spent a year at Radford a lifetime ago. Radford was a woman’s college then. That’s why I transferred to William and Mary my sophomore year. When I had a “little breakdown” my junior year no one hesitated to rush me into therapy. The school didn't ask me if I wanted help, they just helped me. I just threw a mug. I have thought a lot about that incident with all the debate that has followed the tragedy. In a moment of anger and frustration I threw a mug against a door and I was immediately whisked into counseling with the campus shrink. Dr. Norman. I still remember our intense daily talks. They helped me. A friend gave me a copy of “I Never Promised you a Rose Garden” and it was suggested by the administration that I consider continuing counseling over the summer with a strong hint that my continued enrollment at William and Mary might depend on it. As a result I spent the summer lying to Dr. Rapasardi who was crazier than I ever was. Have things changed so much? Was I more frightening than Cho? I remember I was depressed because I had gained weight and I was worried about having enough money for tuition. A math professor refused to allow me to make up an exam and as a result I was in danger of losing critical financial aid. I didn’t throw the mug at Dr. Mah. I threw it at my door. No where near my roommate but she insisted I had thrown it in her direction and ran to the house mother who wasted no time calling Dr. Norman. I guess I am grateful someone was paying attention. I don’t believe I was a danger to myself or others but even though it was inconvenient and embarrassing I am glad someone noticed. We all rise and fall together.